My head in the clouds dreaming dreams of imaginary discovery and fulfillment; conceptualizing delusions of happenings, never to happen, from a wish-list of inactivity, I’ll continue years of self disappointment I could easily end, if I could pray. If I could pray, things would never be the same in my head or in my heart where the beauty I dream defies the life I lead and the good I will to do could become the good that I do, simply by doing it. If I could pray I’d challenge God to make His will my will instead of my will His and I’d abandon fruitless explorations of momentary amusement and wishes for curses I misunderstood to be blessings. I’d shorten my longing for empty times and frivolous activities to fill my life with pursuits of depth and piqued awareness. I’d lengthen my endurance to accept the imperfections and impositions I spurn through the repetitive bursts of hypocrisy I’ve thrust upon others. I’d reach beyond my autonomy into the compliance of coexistence and lower the noise of my intolerance to a whisper of sweet songs into God’s ear. If I could pray, a single prayer could transform my view and answer the senseless trivia I pursue with gratification for the wholeness I’d receive. If I could pray I’d peer into the hopeless condition of my limited desires and wishes with the understanding that I hold no answers, no solutions, no special powers to decide correctly on my own. If I could pray I’d fall on my knees and go to the Father with fervent intercession for those whose hatred boils in opposition to prayers I’d pray.
But prayer is difficult when conditional relationships rule out the unconditional nature of love; when selfish personal desires veto the selflessness of giving; when the hatred-for-hatred exchange creates a perpetual garden of riotous cannibalization.
But if by chance, I could look inward with the humility of my limitations and convince myself that prayer will break my, otherwise, hopeless condition, I’d ask for forgiveness and this would be the that prayer I would pray:
If I could pray.
“You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.” James 4:2-3 (NKJV)
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